¤ 29/09/2009

Countless requests, urgence, persistence brings me here to gnaw myself out of this state of blank towards something of a collective expression. I never realized how hard it would be to dilute this longstanding writers block, but then again a rapidly changing human mind is anything but (“emo”-chemically) solvent though I wish that were possible. In essence perhaps what I am trying to do is refine some of this torrentially, dry & wordy sandstorms of intellectual deficits, growths, pursuits, resonance from the depths of my existence, pack them in little pretty bubbles & bring to the surface.

Writing used to be an outlet at a time, words would flow out of my heart & some would be easily written off on virtual notepads with these clicks I fire off on a well compensated Toshiba laptop. Ah yes, all i can draw my conclusions on, is that i was naive then, watching this universe from my well-protected windows with rose-tinted glasses. I remember being a total doll! With innocence, a sense of goodness, compassion oozing out of me. . . I suppose I can say I’m more realistically evolved to “survival of the fittest” theoretical nowadays, which just might be the reason WHY I have this writers block that totally refuses to just go away. After-all it’s not like I’m asking my  conscious to let go of its guards & show itself to the entire world, just for me, only for me.! I can do that for me, I like to hope!?!

Moments before now i dragged my tired body from the most comfortable sofa, hoping to maybe catch some of these thoughts that descend on the streets of my consciousness, dancing away madly, engraving their imprints through another midnight hour with tired eyes but the sharpest state this mind every conjures to within its circadian rhythms. It’s odd how so many conversations, so many things to say were speeding through the corridors of my conscious minutes before & now they draw a blank. Must be the light reflecting off MS WORD!

&& yet here I am now, firing off whatever comes to mind but none of this is worth it. It’s verbal diarrhea @ best blocking my intellectual receptors, scattering gazillion thoughts in one go, all irrelevant to what I really was thinking (but who else is going to make it through reading this jibberish some 3-4 years from now so it is ok, I forgive me! For wasting me time, now & later…)

But i can feel my heart pumping, beating slowly as it has been since the aches got weaker, time did it’s bit of healing magic (not moving away from it :))

¤pain

¤ confidence

¤ assurance

¤ indecision

. . another night I spend in bed with these dominant emotions, one-way conversations with God will eventually lull me to sleep again tonight, whilst soothing powers of Enigma’s musical genius procreate new realizations, recreate old emotions/realizations & I will fade off with another “I know” smile for myself.  It’s always the same. Navy-blue skies engulf me, starless nights embrace me; I run from me.

I wait for difference within myself, I wait for change in my vision, I wait for strength to walk away from the life that betrayed. I wait for the day God will give me the green signal to take on this new life, this recurring cycle of life; with irreversible confidence, brand spanking new solace..

None of it makes sense to me any longer. The fight, the sacrifice, the injustice, the untouchable, the invinsible tragedy, the defeat of purity, the victory of evil. (& I look to the sky for answers why . . why God, is this fair? In your court is this fair? . .)

I continue walking wherever life leads me, faith seals me, God takes me, searching for reasons, 1 reason perhaps, to believe in happy endings again, to return to innocence, to fiercely believe in something again.

. . I will never understand why we must hurt one another, i will never understand why good always suffers. I have given up trying to understand why it is next to impossible for many to change for the better, there are simply too many reasons, too much cause, none the better.

Silly me, I still hope on good nature of the human race while i watch with these eyes widening beyond physical perimeters just how far people go, to get their ways, how many invisible murders we commit, how much we fail to see a damn thing.

The lifespan of the child within homo sapiens continue to decrease every year. Beauty is superficial, a sappy advertisement to produce propaganda. We grow up faster and faster, forgetting all that matters, all but our individual selves.. why are we humans such monsters in disguise?

{{ps . maybe I will know the answer when I read you years down the line again =) . .}}

© .S K.

Advertisements