Archive for April, 2010


floating through subnivian space

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late night thunders

dim lit rooms

wind flirting with rain

wet windowpanes by candlelight

wind-chimes in melody uncluttered of human touch

rain spoke to me, with every droplet of heaven tracing through my skin, disappearing past my heart, disappearing somewhere a tantalizing touch.

`.. loooves it.

but knowing the pathetic haram mess you are + my neverending compassion for you + your distraught, lost existence of everything that makes a man ( – a steady job )

I will pray for you

I will pray differently than I did a solid 2 years ago

because

after all this, I don’t freaking know why I care!

but

i

do

LaH

&& not to feel like a complete hypocrite’ currently so am I .. a haram pathetic mess that is.

& somebody’s got to do the job … to un-haram ………..& ya … lost the thought.

so this is what ‘true’ (shameonme) love does to you huh, must I rot in hell forever for your arse

Between time and a goldfish capability to store anything in memory, I’m way overdue in coming about in all my heartlessly b!tc|-|y glory, that one that defined who I was, my shield against the ugliest personalities in human existence. Somewhere, innocence cut me by the throat. . . god damn.

There is a difference between ‘ignorance is bliss’ & ‘ignorant by education’. Mind you and mind me, they both serve amazing results to successions of human dynasty, power struggles justified, inequaility glorified, injustice blamed on the victim . . and an utterly impossible sense of self-worth. Ignorance’ is bliss. Ignorance is the shield that makes you selfish, that is the enabler of every *****r******n souless B&B out there.

And somewhere along the way, most of us forget or just simply disbelieve in any existence of God.

He himself seems to favour the deathly cold . . but hey that is the point of perseverance, patience, experiential learning.

There is a bigger difference in what I feel now, dictated by a fast (yet excruciatingly slow) comingbouts’  in this translucent black water personality of mine. All it took was 3.5 days watching myself succumb to cruel BUT truest reality &&& then 4.5 days of watching myself rise up slowly’ with more hatred anchored to the abysmal ocean of my torrid existence. . . heartbreak redefined, faith renewed, life thrown in perspective without the deadly grip of “hope”, of “what if`s”.

Hopefully it stays, for it will fuel my motivation to ….. everything.

. . and when I have remained heartless long enough to establish my foundation that’s broken in too many peices; I will return to you, I will return to innocence. I will hopefully shed this snaky skin and embrace life just like I did before I stepped into the real world; without all my safety nets.

Come back to me, . . For I never left while you left me.

Remember me, . . the stifing process of healing will begin.

Recognize me, . . I still look the same despite all that’s destroyed.

Accept me, we are two halves of One.

This vicious cycle of self blame is also done. Pucker Up, find that cloak & move on forth’ if you want to live.

I guess the most effective blow is the one that comes fast and teaches you in a split second’ what your dreams are made of.

I am not bitter today. I am real today.

Live free but keep death in mind
choose your affections but watch your true will
feel nature in every heartbeat but realize destitution

walk a mile but with the walk of life aligned
mean what you say but joke with a grin
exile in happiness but remember tragedy’s a step behind
be a lover but keep your soul in your vision


Ok… reminder to self’

– start writing

– get over it

– get back on track

. . learn to hate!


and repeat*